Saturday, July 03, 2010

A Straight Person's Guide to Gay Pride

"If Halloween is Gay Christmas and the Oscars is the Gay Super Bowl, then Pride is Gay Fourth of July. There are picnics and fireworks and lots of drinking and it's all about freedom! Pride isn't really one single occurrence. Much like Mardi Gras in New Orleans, it is a collection of parades, rallies, parties, private events, functions, fundraisers, and bead throwing. So, one doesn't so much go to Pride as one does Pride."

Brian Moylan writes:
The first Gay Pride parade was really a march through the streets of New York to protest the unfair treatment of gay men by police at the Stonewall Inn in 1969.

We now mark the infamous Stonewall Riots every June with a parade through town. It is no longer very political.

It's mostly about corporations telling us that they're "down with the gays" and an excuse for gay people party. Don't judge us.

The people who go to the parade are out-of-towners, the very young, the very old, every lesbian who lives in the suburbs, and straight people. Please go, you'll fit right in.

If you're going to come to an event, even the parade, you need to work a look.

Straight girls, you better not leave the house looking all half-assed, because there will be a ton of semi-drunk professional stylists walking around and they will want to read you (and if you don't know what reading is, please Netflix Paris Is Burning before going to Pride).

Guys, you'll be fine, as long as you're hot. And if you are, you should take your shirt off.

The first places where gay people could freely congregate were bars and still, to this day, most Pride celebrations are bar centric. Just because we want to hang out at a place that is overly decorated with rainbow banners and has hot shirtless straight boys slinging drinks doesn't mean that we're a bunch of drunks. Don't judge us.

Also, ladies, don't show your support by making out with another straight girl. This isn't a frat party. However, if a dyke on a bike calls you her bitch and tries to jam her tongue down your throat, you'd better let her.

Straight guys, if you want to make out with another dude, especially for the first time, this is completely acceptable—especially if you're hot.

If you go to any sort of Gay Pride dance party and someone puts a bottle under your nose, do not inhale. These are poppers and they are a secret gay elixir. We don't want straight people knowing how good they are, so please don't try them.

Remember, Pride is all about the gays.

It's like you're a Red Sox fan at Yankee Stadium. You need to just go along with what's happening. Even if you don't like it or get uncomfortable, take a deep breath and try to fit in.

Every other day of the year is Straight Pride Day, and today, you play by our rules.

Read Brian Moylan's entire "A Straight Person's Guide to Gay Pride" READ MORE.